2014年9月25日 星期四

Something's wrong


  As you notice, I've been in this mood swing lately. When I sit down in a cafe today, and really think about what is going on with me.

 The thought of ending the relationship is getting stronger than ever. I can sense something is wrong, with Mister or it might just simply with me. I don't know.

  Although  I have always feeling insecure, I am always good at coping with them. I can always pull myself together and put up with it. But for this time, I feel like I can't handle this. I don't see why I should put myself in this anymore.

  When there is a problem, you can either:

Accept it
Change it
Leave it

  But I don't want leave and I can't change anything. I wish this is just another emotion cycle and I can manage to accept it as I have always done.

  As I was thinking all these, I realised I have forgotten something really important. THE PILLS!

  I have been taking Cerazette for the past 2 years. Recently I went back to Hong Kong for 3 weeks, so I have been on and off taking the pills. And as I come back to the UK, the routine has returned back to usual. Bare that in mind, the depression side-effects are very common in women who take this kind of contraceptive pills. The fluctuation in hormone levels can be a huge factor contributing to my recent mood swings. And that will make so much more sense now!

  But of course, Mister is a big trigger....

  If this is getting worse, I think I will need to cut off the pills or talk to a counsellor. I have heard that the depression can be severe from a lot of women. Wish I will get back to normal, as the hormones level is stabilised.



2014年9月21日 星期日

 

As time goes by, I notice the distance between me and Mister is more tangible. Do I actually love him? I mean, how it will be possible that I’m in love with someone I know nothing about. Although the good times, the smites and the affection we have for each other are real, I can still feel the barriers between us. I can trust Mister for his intelligence, for that he will not do harm to me, but there is something missing. The idea that he cannot be in my future plans is a solid evidence.

And as I accept this idea and feel more prepared for it to come, the barrier becomes greater. In subconscious, I know I cannot set my heart on him. The practice to hold on your feelings from someone does not feel good. By the more often I do it, I feel more distanced from Mister.


I always feel like I explode too much of myself to Mister, while I know too little about him. He is a man in my life, but do I mean anything to him?


I keep questioning myself, ‘How much longer can I handle this? And for how much longer will I stay?’.