2016年1月27日 星期三

Surreal

I have talked about this before, but not quite clear enough. I wasn't able to figure out what the issue is and now I do.

In this semi-long distance relationship (as we don't get to see each other much), it feels unreal to me. It's not just the patience and mind games that bother me, it's the relationship itself.

Both Mister and I are being the person we want to be when we are around each other. We are nice, loving, patient to each other, but no one can be that perfect all the time. We don't get to see the good and the bad of each other. When hit by reality, the person who is standing next to us is no longer the person who lives in our dream, is truly heartbreaking.

Over the years, there are moments like that. In fact, it becomes more often. When I feel like I actually don't know this person at all, it feels quite daunting. Then, I would ask myself why am I still doing this? Why am I pretending this is part of reality when this is just another dream that I have been living off?

This is when I feel an urge to distance myself from Mister. I need some fresh air, not from the dream, but facing my reality and having control back in my hands.

This is also when I feel like to end it.

It's toxic. I was upset most of the time. All sorts of reasons. I would love to move on and I still have faith in love. Surely I will find someone not like this. But first thing, I have to let go.

Only a healthy mindset can lead to a healthy relationship, isn't it?