2016年8月14日 星期日

Back to Jersey

Went on holiday with Mister... It's always so hard to say goodbye when we are parting our ways.

I felt like I am falling in love with him, over and over again. I mean how could you not love a person like him? From head to toe, he has his own charm and there are qualities in him that I valued so so much. 

And these are the things that I can hold onto forever. I could do so much for him, just because I know he deserved it. They think I'm young, but they don't know about the other things that have been going on. I know this will not be forever, I will have to leave Mister one day. Just that at this point, I am not ready yet and I can't do it. I just couldn't.

Mister was saying, 'Might be just another year, next year you will be ready for something else, something more exciting. UCL or the state, wherever you want to go.'. But you see, I couldn't even stand the thought of thinking not having him in my life. Mister is part of me, and always will be. All the things I have been doing is to prepare myself to leave him, but how come it's just making me understand how irreplaceable he is.

'I love you more than you think. Just don't leave me when I'm not ready yet.' This sentence was always in my mind, I wasn't brave enough to say it. When I actually said it last night, it's a great relief, because it's Mister, because I trust him, because I give myself to him, because I surrender. I am all his.

'I will never leave you.', he said.

You see, this is all I needed. A reassurance, even if it may not be true, but that is all I needed right now.

On the other hand, I knew I could never love Doctor like this. He is just there, he is nice to me. He makes me feel less lonely. But that's all. I just couldn't see the good in him.

Should I just leave it? I mean what's the point? Should I just indulge myself in my loneliness until Mister's next visit?...