2017年8月10日 星期四

可能你會說我沒資格難過,但事實是我真的他媽的難過。

我不明白的是為什麼他說一句無意,我就可以被隨便傷害。我也曾經想過去努力經營這一段關係,而最後換來的只是不被理解。也許我們都自私,我也不想誰讓誰。

It's broken not bent. I have to realise there is no point. There was never a point.

My issue is just to be there to compensate your issues. You have to realise that you honestly don't have that much to offer if you can't put up with the present me. (One of my ex-boyfriend already finished his phD when he was 25, so there's nothing much for you to be so proud of being a phD candidate, and he cured cancer not some stupid supplychains. And the most important thing is this person is humble as fuck unlike you). Flipping out on social media was probably one of the craziest thing I have done in any relationship. I know it's not right and I hate myself for doing so. I hate it even more that I choose to be with someone who doesn't make me a better person but pushing me into a worse.

I can't deny that this relationship is a failure. I was constantly doing/feeling something negative that I would have never done and clearly there is something wrong with it. It's toxic, and somehow I lived with it and believed in hell knows what the fuck I was thinking. 

I have taken more risks than ever for this relationship. I was never expecting you to take any risks for me, but it still came as a disappointment knowing that you think I am a twisted person with aggression who is too much of a risk to take. I hate to admit, but I regret everything that I have done.

SD, when I first know you, you are an alcoholic. You would call me at midnight saying you can't find your way back home. You would get pissed drunk and hold another girl's hand in the first party that we went together, and puke all over me. 

You convinced me that everyone has issues and shouldn't be stopped from building a meaningful relationship. Slowly I didn't abandon a relationship as soon as I found it problematic, I tried to fix it. 

I know you are scared that your partner has future plans that don't involve you. But let me tell you what, your arrogance of constantly looking down on people makes them want to prove that they don't need you. You are the biggest cause why your no.x girlfriend decided to go abroad. I can imagine her self-esteem was constantly trashed by you, and she has been waiting long for that day to see disappointment in your eyes.

And please stop using depression as your shield. Just because you are suicidal doesn't grant you the rights to hurt someone 'in-deliberately' and not having any consequences. My words are evil, but within words. Your act is truly evil.

Go on the loop and return to your messy state. I'm glad that I am out and I won't let you dragging me into such misery. 

2017年8月8日 星期二

The Biggest Fear

I was eating my scoop of ice-cream on the couch with you.

You looked at me in a disgust and said, 'I think I am not sleeping here, I'm going to sleep with Tom and the girl tonight.'

'What girl?', said by me in shocked.

'The girl I invited to Cosmo and slept with.' You said it without blinking.

Horror. Jealousy. Betrayal. These are the three words that are filled in my mind.

I started to scream at you, 'Why are you doing this to me?!' 

When I knew I am feeling vulnerable because you are hurting me and I should leave you to protect the last of my dignity, but I just couldn't.

2017年4月23日 星期日

我們還是分手了

其實我很難過,但我覺得這也是一件好事。


至少現在自己選好了立場,就算以後我讓你繼續找別個,也不要再跟他在一起了。遲早也要散,長痛不如短痛。你跟他性格都太硬,他對你的好,你看不到,你對他的好,他也不想要;其實沒什麼的,哭一兩天就好,只是有點不舍。我不想看到你變成不像你的人,明明好好的,為什麼要折騰。

他是有病的人,治不好,還會傳染。你的焦慮他也不會考慮,已經不是能磨合與否的問題。

難受是因為那些傷人的話,難受是因為措手不及,因為沒想到區區一件T恤就可以把一句又一句的愛你抺殺掉。也可能是因為最近他的冷淡,其實早已預告了他想分開,也許是因為他已經遇上下一個,所以對我也不聞不問。

也可能是因為有比較,更覺得深深不憤,明知道自己值得被愛,去愛,卻一直沒狠下心,去放棄這雞肋。也許是因為曾經有過希望,所以當希望落空的時候,更加失望。

2017年4月11日 星期二

Fulfilling Needs and Bargain Power

Me:
Increased commitment
Increased anxiety - I have reasons to believe the anxiety is induced by Doctor's reaction.

If meeting 3 times a week, of which I only stayed over twice is "too much, too close" for him, honestly there is nothing much I can do. The fact that he tries to make me believe that I am demanding him too much is unbearable.

From this relationship, being able to spend time  is like the bottom-line for me. The amount of time is objective to individuals, but I honestly don't think we are spending more time with each other than before. He is just being a dick. Being uncomfortable is not an excuse to be irresponsive.

At this point, I realise this relationship is no longer accessible - my need. If this bottom-line cannot be fulfilled, and for that is the only thing I can get out of the relationship, this is no point to proceed. Besides, what other bargaining power does he have to negotiate on that? What on earth has he done to compensate, what have he really done/compromise to show love? 

At least, Mister went for the material path as he knew he can't be accessible or really making time for me if he can.

或者由始至終呢段感情都充滿苦澀味。




2017年4月3日 星期一

有多愛,以後便有多痛

I never thought I could love Doctor this much.

Back then, he was someone whom I don't see why I shouldn't date and now I see him as someone whom I truly wants to date. It is not the pull and push between I love him because he loves me, but more of I would love him even if he doesn't because I feel like he deserves my love, and perhaps not me...

But what about Mister?


2017年1月27日 星期五

Reasons that I am not sorry

A month has slipped away since the 'breakup', my emotions are less affected than expected. I feel like I have so much more time to do my own thing, even some side projects. Life is great again.
At times I also feel sorry for not feeling sorry about Doctor, and perhaps neither does he... Well, the end of a relationship doesn't mean it has never been a success, at least I made some progress.

  1. I understand about myself more. Especially that I am a very physical person, also understand that the strong desire of having sex with one person doesn't necessarily mean I actually like them. I guess this is more common for men, or that it is more acceptable for men. Anyway, at least now I am fully acknowledged and accept this fact.
  2. Not everyone is as nice as Mister, and he is truly exceptional. Now I am sure that, given any choice of men, I would probably still choose him over anyone... Well, under the circumstances that I need to make a choice (lol). It is not random attachment that little girls have, he is really someone very special to me. Not to mention his personality and some traits that I value a lot... If I keep going, I can talk through the list for a day.
  3. Don't risk staying with a terrible and arrogant person. The sooner you realised that, the earlier you should leave before they make your world ugly. This is exactly how I feel after these 9 months, things have never been so ugly in any of my relationships. Not only that I didn't become a better person, I inherited/exaggerated some bad traits from Doctor too. 
  4. People in standard relationships tend to have ridiculous expectations. How can people expect someone to be committed to something that they can't even do themselves? And even if they can, why do we have to put so much pressure on the other person, asking for the same treatment. It is terrible, terrible, terrible. Some might say it is immature to not take any responsibilities or not caring, and all these equal to meaningless relationship... Again, what is meaningful to me doesn't apply to everyone. Accept it.
  5. Relationship just takes sooooo much time.