2018年12月9日 星期日

成年的時間, 過得很快

不知不覺又過了差不多一年。

當其時我並不快樂,關在兩段並不令自己滿足的關係。那時我害怕, 我討厭自己一個人。但我終究花光了所有力氣, 去reset自己所有的感情生活, 面對me, myself and I. 也因而渡過了美好的二十二歲尾聲。

二十三歲,習慣了生命對我的厚待。但總是提醒自己要更加珍惜, 不要take it for granted, 所以我比所有人都努力。努力似乎沒有白費, 眾人對我也是認可的。對於工作, 心存感激, 以後也會加倍努力。

冥冥中, 新的人又出現在生命中。也許不是那麼突發, 也許自己長大了, 應對算是迎刃有余。只是感嘆一切塵埃落定後, 又過了一個春秋。文字之所以好, 寫出來才發現自己需要什麼, 在想什麼。 Self-consciousness 斷定了以後人生的迷茫性, 雖然過程也是極其重要, 但我不想有天醒來,才赫然自己跟理想的自己已經斷層。

2018年11月25日 星期日

Emotional Available

"Emotional Available"

How many times my life have been troubled by this phase?

I'm just curling up on my sofa, playing depressed today. It takes courage to do the DTR talk, and I think I have done a great job on perfectly stating what I want, why I'm doing this and the ball has thrown to the other person to tell me what he has in mind.

I'm just glad that the bell has rang after I have purchased few Christmas presents for this guy that I have been seeing for months without knowing if he's seeing someone else or simply if he is "emotionally available". And now I'm just slowly accepting that he is not 'there' with me. If this is the past Chrissie, she would probably give it another few months and blurt out 'I love you' before she starts pushing for an answer, or historically she never did.

I have played couple with many people in my life. Some worked out and some didn't, they mostly didn't. And what I have learnt is, either the person is available or not, the not-knowing in the long term hurt myself and the quality in the relationship. Despite the success with Mister, I wish I knew that he loved me earlier. By the time that I know he actually loves me, it was already too late. Too late that I don't see him as a potential partner, too late that my heart was already divided into half and I wasn't fully engaged with the relationship as my mechanism to avoid disappointment. 

Now I still follow my heart to wherever it takes me. I am just a little bit more conscious and in control, not passively waiting for 'one day he will realise how lucky he is'. I guess this is part of growing up. And no matter what I get from Frank in response, I won't regret it. I am so so so proud of myself of being able to address my feelings...


2018年11月11日 星期日

This is new to me.

I haven't like someone, like this for a long time.

As in the relationship starts off really slow in comparison to the previous ones, but as it happened, I'm falling so fast. I didn't start developing any interest of Fred until July. I was intrigued by him, but never really fancied him. Perhaps the first thing I noticed about him was that he was obviously shorter than me, so I just place him into the friend zone for the start. 

Then I feel like he was genuine. I could have a friend like this, so I bother him. And he acts cool, that intrigues me even more. Then the loop goes round and round; I wasn't sure he was interested at all by the time I was 100% into him. After few coincidences of getting to know each other (that includes my house-warming), I asked him out. And yes, that was actually my first time asking any guy out.

We hit it off straight away, and we chat till mid-night at his living room for that first proper date. I feel like I have synced with this person so much, and knowing even though he might not be romantically interested, he is a reliable friend to have. And his personality absolutely charmed me that evening. 

He didn't kiss me. And we didn't have sex.

And then I was even more confused. Thinking if he is leading me on or he is just being polite; then I jumped on a plane to NYC (which is a different story documented). 

First night coming back from NYC, I was dragged out to a drinking sesh with the senior management. He was there by the time when I turned up. I was having a second thought about him, (bailing) because of the NYC encounter. Mostly because I'm such an impatient person and I don't want to be rejected... so I set my expectation to zero at the time. Anyway, I was very very drunk that night. Some shit happened, Fred called me in the morning. I blamed everything on him - I mis-recognised the other guy as him, so he said he will come around that evening.

I was just trying to get my head round about that shitty incident. Somehow, the night was stretched to movies and chilling. He was asking what have I done the night before, and I was full of regrets and really not happy to talk about it. He leaned in and kept asking, so I was like 'Fuck this.'. I kissed him and he kissed back. Followed by making out and performing all sorts of acts that night. He went home afterwards.

At the time, I still felt like it was just pity sex. As he doesn't want to make me feel too bad for multiple incidents happened. Similar things happened for the next few weekends, sex was awkward but turned out to be good every time. Nevertheless, I still felt like he wasn't really that into me; and I do ask myself if I am positioning myself as a free whore and the only option he has... To be fair, I still think about this question at times. 

Fast forward, we are now spending every weekend together. And the truth is I really like him.

He cooked for me and I cooked for him. Snuggling together in the sofa and watching crap to pass time, and fuck during advert breaks. And I didn't go back to NYC (reference to the Chlamydia story).

The really enchanting part of this chunk of story is also the state of mind I am currently in. I broke up clean with all the relationships I had in the past and I have really moved on. I focused heavily on my work which I have done really well and feel proud of. I bought my flat, kept my car and things are moving forward in my life. And I'm very happy.

All that comes down to a point: Relationship is optional to me at this point.

I no longer need (reference to the past):
1) A distraction from my emotional emptiness 
2) Sexuality exploration
3) Ego-boost

I am truly at peace with myself at this point of time, which is actually very rare. And it kind of makes Fred even more special. I know I am drawn to him not because of other problems I have in my life. I am drawn to him because, it's a just-because and other good qualities that I see in him. With my clear head and joyful soul.


2018年9月9日 星期日

是否自私才叫自愛

22歲的最後幾天,我彷彿看懂了很多事情。

也許是巧合,也許這是我精心策劃自編自導自演的愛情喜劇。
對的, 這必須是喜劇, 好頭好尾。隨著劇情的演進, 我慢慢發現到自己內心的不安比想像還多, 還難處理。2月到6月是一種冷漠期, 因為我不想面對自己的情感, 傷心但也許是一種解脫, 工作經歷了很多變化; 隨後的是一種不安份, 想瘋一把, 想通過別人的validation, 去再次認清自己在世界上的價值, 所以你不就認同了: My own existence has no true meaning to itself, it's the meaning of my existence that gives to other people that holds the purpose of my life.

那是我花了二十年都不願意認同的statement, 但或許經過了一些事愛過一些人, 迫不得已要去低頭承認的感知。同時我希望自己不要在這想法陷太深, 畢竟all eggs in one basket 還是很高風險, 萬一我錯了?



2018年9月7日 星期五

Remaining days of 22

It has happened a lot in this month.

I have done things that I wouldn't have done.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Arriving NYC for the first time, doing few lines of coke with a stranger and falling for this stranger. After the holiday, I tried to convince myself that this is just a holiday fling but truth is I really don't want to bear the pain of missing someone who is thousands miles away.

And shit happens. Waking up with your CEO next to you is not cool; luckily nothing 'much' had happened, it could have been worse. I choose to forget about that night, but I choose to try out something that I have wanted for months. And then it turns out, it isn't exactly something I want. Let's call him - Fred. Fred was a colleague of mine; we shared a lot in common, so we became friends and realised that he's basically have been through something similar like me with the BPD relationship. We clicked; and he is a nice guy. Just that I feel like I am the person who has always been pushing for things, and up to this point, I can really tell myself that I have tried and I can't really do much to make someone like me. I give up.

The next thing I did is I booked my flight to NYC in October - to see MD (Yep, he's a real doctor this doctor). It just feels right about him and I would move to his city if I really fall for him. We will see and time will tell.

I'm older now; love is important, but finding that person whom I can see a future with should be on my agenda.

Seventeen and we got a dream to have a family
A house and everything in between
And then, oh, suddenly we turned twenty-three
Now we got pressure for taking our life more seriously
We got our dead-end jobs and got bills to pay
Have old friends and know our enemies
Now I-, I'm thinking back to when I was young
Back to the day when I was falling in love

We can do anything if we put our minds to it
Take your whole life then you put a line through it
My love is yours if you're willing to take it
Give me your heart 'cause I ain't gonna break it
So come away, starting today
Start a new life, together in a different place
We know that love is how all these ideas came to be
So baby, run away with me

2018年8月5日 星期日

New Identity

It's been 6 months.

Since I bought my place, Doctor and I, sort of see each other again. I don't know what it means to him; it certainly means something completely different for me. Nevertheless, I still get emotional when we are lying in bed together after sex. The thoughts of "You know, it could have been like this forever."or "It could have worked out." were filled of my head.

But it is different now; it's more like an acceptance. No grief; knowing life still goes on, no or little expectation... I have loved him for too long.

On the other hand, I was thinking about Doctor quite a lot recently. We had good times, rare but we did. I still find it fascinating that how someone can just walk out your life like this, after two years of spending almost every day together, witnessing the ups and downs with you. And POOF! They just disappear like that. I don't miss him, not at all. I never like our kind of relationship anyway; but I did think about how could I have handle it better... (a question not worth thinking about)

And then, here I am. So single and so ready to start a new page. Eyeing on every single eligible guys and so do they on me. I look forward to the next; and at the same time, no sure if I actually want to fell hard for someone like I did. It's a lot to bear, isn't it?

2018年6月14日 星期四

我完美,我高贵

嗯。

分手后的第四个月,也是第五个月。

我好像变成了我想成为的那个人,那个温柔善良可爱内心无比强大的女生。我骄傲但不自满。但我还是会想有人可以偶尔借一下肩膀。

2018年5月21日 星期一

Relationship-phobic

After the relationship with Doctor, he has really changed my view towards relationship. 

Realising that intimacy is good, but responsibilities are suffocating makes me want to run away from commitments forever. When I mean commitment, I don't mean just exclusivity in a relationship, but more like ownership and an interest to take on the other person's emotion trash. 

That was the worse part of our relationship, and always make me missing the kind of bond that I had with Mister. And we weren't in a relationship. So for me, labels are just labels. I don't even want DJ or any potential lover to feel obliged to please me because it's an exchange to chain me for sex. It also makes me really uncomfortable when the other person is already pouring their heart out while I'm not feeling the same; I lost interest immediately.

It's a game, and will always be. The guessing, not knowing gives the best fuck possible and everyone should enjoy it while they can. I don't want to get back to the stale phase of constantly judging the other person, oh because they are your soulmate and should be perfect. No, fuck that.

I want to see the real you before I decide whether you are in the long run. And as I grow older, the standard is so high that I am not even sure if that person exists.

I'm liberating myself; just this time not for any ego-boost purpose or exploring my sexuality anymore. Just me, sleeping with a guy whom I like. And I feel amazing afterwards. It's me, me, me, me, me.


2018年4月29日 星期日

值得

無論以後的路如何,希望你記得自己永遠值得被愛和擁有一切。

為了昨天,大概也是等待了五年。我用了五年時間去學會了愛自己愛生活愛別人,雖然路不平坦但甘之如飴。愛是十分沉重的,但我願意再試。畢竟我不想再將就一次,數年後再望著枕邊人,心如死水哪有意思。

2018年1月14日 星期日

有始有終

2018年1月14日, 這博客的種種意義要告一段落了。

是的。我和Mister終究共同決定要完結這關係。我們都哭了。是否這樣就能証明我們有過的,的確是愛情。要是真的話,我還是感恩這五年多的時間沒有白過。

我好難過好難過,但也慶幸此刻的自己已經強大到可以承受這一切。

Jersey這個地方沒必要也不會回來,回憶太多歷歷在目,舊地重遊,情有所鍾。

這幾天,Mister似乎把我這輩子最想聽到的話都說了幾遍,那是無悔了。就算以後再遇上哪個,誰也不及這一字一句。

那動人時光 不用常回看
能提取溫暖 以後渡嚴寒 就關起那間房
最動人時光 未必地老天荒
難忘的 因你太念念 才難忘
容易抱住誰十年 最難是放

真心講 想起那段情 仍不枉
若路上重遇 會笑笑問你近況
你每晚更新的臉書 卻無謂看

這應該是我最後一篇feed了。更新後,我會export到硬盤,好好保存以後很懷念的時候,再細讀吧。